In Attempt to Distract Nation from Secret Service Sex Scandal, White House Announces Sweeping Reforms in Monetary Policy, Immigration

In what some are calling a desperate maneuver to draw attention away from the still-unfolding sex-for-hire scandal involving both secret service and military members, the White House today announced that it is going to begin work on fixing actual real problems in the nation including monetary policy, immigration, free-trade agreements, the war on drugs, property rights, the erosion of civil liberties, and the complete de-industrialization of the country.

Advocates of the plans are saying that it is about time that a president start doing something about these problems, many of which have been plaguing the nation for longer than the president himself has been alive.  But critics are quick to counter that this isn’t the first time an administration has used such ploys.

“When Bill Clinton was nearly impeached over fibbing about having a consenting, however distasteful relationship with another person, then press secretary Ari Fleischer was on television continuously talking about how Mr. Clinton had ordered bombs dropped on more nations than any previous president.”  says Michael Hanson, Dean of Political Affairs at Rotgutt University “Republicans use the same trick.  George W. Bush drew attention away from his inability to read a book written for children by passing the PATRIOT Act and then declaring war on 2 nations most people had never heard of.  His father George H.W. Bush went even further than this in 1992, when rumors that the president wasn’t nearly as fond of the family dogs as he had let on led to his decision to not win re-election.  This lone event was enough to nearly erase all memory of the family dog scandal from the memories of the people, as he was no longer the president and nobody cared anymore.”

Meanwhile, the White House is maintaining  that “the administration really was going to start looking at issues such as rampant corporate crime and the disintegration of Social Security this week anyway.  Seriously, we aren’t going to start talking about the future role of the petro-dollar just to distract from a hotel hooker party. That would be really irresponsible.”

FYI

I am not the guy who tried to pass off the hoax that he punched out Jesse Ventura a few months ago. That guy was obviously a faker trying to get in on the latest fad of punching out Jesse Ventura.

But if you’re one of the hundreds of people who actually have punched out Jesse Ventura, tell us your story! It doesn’t matter how absurd it sounds: I will still publish it for the world to see!

If anyone needs a punch-out story in the future for political purposes, they will have their choice of dozens of real stories instead of one phony story.

The Day I Punched Out Jesse Ventura

I punched Jesse Ventura in the face and knocked him out cold.

How did it happen?

It was at a book signing for his book I Ain’t Got Time to Bleed.  I remember it well cause it was just one month and 4 days after my 23rd birthday.  The smell of springtime still lingered in the air.

I remember (vividly) that when it was my turn to have my book signed, I told Mr. Jesse Ventura my name and he looked at me and said “Cudnoski.  Why, that ain’t a pollock name, is it?”

I said yes, though others have commented that it was also a good Irish name.

He then cocked his head (or re-cocked it; it had already been cocked a bit at the start) and told me, blatantly, fervently, and apparently with some thought, that although he himself, Jesse Ventura, had served under the Lithuanian Grand Duke Jogaila (Władysław II Jagiełło), during the Jagiellon dynasty (1386–1572, he now felt that the soldiers he served with, though dead for over 600 years, deserved yet to die, those who were still alive!

I shuddered.  Then I swung.  I hit the old man (this being 2000 he was only 740 some years of age though considered aged by some) clean in the face, breaking both his nose and my hand in the process.

Realizing instantly that I had just committed a felony, I scurried, scampered and skipped out the door and into the street, then on to places untold.  I was fortunate that nobody else in the book store saw what had happened because they were all drunk.

I was also surprised that Jesse Ventura never pressed charges for assault against me.  Although he had just written my name in a copy of his book that I had left behind in the confusion, and my face was well known in the community for my involvement in the ‘End Meaningless Protests Now’ movement (the father of the Occupy Wall Street I have been called), I was lucky enough to escape the law for all this time.

The time for silence is over.

So is the statute of limitations.

Jesse Ventura, it was I, Chris Cudnoski, who punched you out in front of hundreds of witnesses and got away scot free, having heard nothing about the event though I have scoured every tabloid and searched every google engine for either my name, my face, or your face and my fist.  I am the one who should be famous right now, not you.  I demand to be famous!

Thanks.

Teresa Tells Her J.V. Punch-Out Story

 

“Hi Chris,

Thanks for the blog! Glad to know I’m not the only one!

My parents live in the Twin Cities and I live in Chicago, so every year one of us guilts the other into making the 7-hour drive to see the other for Christmas.  We don’t always alternate years so I don’t know for sure if it was 2004 or 2005 but I know it was one of those years as I remember clearly I was working at the State of Illinois Department of Redundancy Department Office and I couldn’t type for 2 weeks due to spraining my hand from ‘the punch’ and had to drive a forklift around for that time instead. (sorry for the boring history but I want to make sure I get my facts straight for you! 🙂 )

So what happened is I was most of the way their and was running late of course and was already just a little cranky when mom called my cell and told me to go directly to the restaurant they were dining at that evening instead of stopping to rest for five minutes at their place first.  Naturally I had no idea where the restaurant was and mom started trying to give me directions while I was driving, expecting me to use my GPS to find it or something.  I kind of lost my cool and asked her ‘why can’t we just eat at your place!?!’ and she said that if retirement meant that dad could lay around the house all day then she considered herself retired from cooking, at least during Christmas, and also the week before and after any other holiday for that matter, and what’s so hard about finding a restaurant for goodness sake?

tbc…

Playing Punch-Out at the Carnival – Audio Post

Got a story to tell but can’t type because your (key)-punching hand is broken?  No problem!  As long as you can still dial a phone you can share your JVPO story with the world!  Just dial 1 (713) 574-9075
and enter this code: 7189385

…and remain completely anonymous.  Only you and your 9 cats will know…

The Carnival Story:

Celebrate ‘Your Right to be Wrong Day’ With Me on May 4!

It’s our newest and grandest national holiday!  Everybody’s doing it!  Fireworks! Beer! Women with questionable judgement!

For information on the holiday click this link:

Your Right To Be Wrong Day

To read more about your right to be wrong and why it is actually important, click this link:
Your Right To Be Wrong

Tips for Punching Out Jesse Ventura

Of course I don’t condone violence in any form.  But let’s face it – if you happen to run into Jesse Ventura there’s a good chance you’re going to want to hit him.  Naturally there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything.  The following tips fall under one of those two categories:

1.  Make sure there are at least 70-100 other people around when you do your punch.

Mr. Ventura is a celebrity, which means that he is surrounded by a natural aura of ‘unrealness’.  Time slows down in his presence, jokes seem funnier, and random acts of insanity or violence seem to be anticipated and expected by those in his presence.  It will take witnesses at least a day or two to come down from the high that celebrities generate which will give you plenty of time to escape.

And that’s assuming they even see it happen.  Most people spend about 1/5th of their time in the presence of famous people actually looking at them, and the other 4/5ths looking around at all the other regular people giving wide-eyed looks of disbelief and disconnect, trying to point subtly in the direction of the celebrity while mouthing ‘look, it’s that one guy, Hulk something, or rummaging around in their purse or wallet for something suitable to coax the celeb into signing.  Those few who actually do see it happen will immediately, via their innate herd-mentality, look to others for clues and signals of how they should react.  This will lead them to pull out their wallets and search for their old military I.D. while pointing subtly, giving wide-eyed looks, and mouthing ‘hey, look’, which will allow you plenty of time to get away.

2.  Keep your thumb on the outside of the fingers so you don’t break it.

3.  If you’re an autograph hound, get it before the punch, not after.  If he’s not unconscious he will be a bit woozy and the autograph will look like you faked it anyway, plus he might call the police.  Also your old I.D. has your name on it which you don’t want him to know.

4.  Plan ahead.  Wear loose-fitting clothing so your swing won’t be restricted, and shoes with good ankle support.  Also, red or black shirts will obscure any blood splatters.

5.  Don’t be drunk or high as you may miss his face and end up putting your arm around his shoulder which may be interpreted as an invitation to dance.  If he does start dancing with you, avoid having him step on your feet (steel-toes may be a good idea) and try to disengage before he either body-slams you or puts you in a sleeper hold.

6.  If you’re going to have a friend film the punch for later sale to a tabloid, arrive early and get your lighting and sound set up right as this increases the resale value of the footage.

7.  Don’t be a celebrity yourself as Jesse may recognize you.

8.  Lastly, relax and remember to have fun!