Tips for Punching Out Jesse Ventura

Of course I don’t condone violence in any form.  But let’s face it – if you happen to run into Jesse Ventura there’s a good chance you’re going to want to hit him.  Naturally there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything.  The following tips fall under one of those two categories:

1.  Make sure there are at least 70-100 other people around when you do your punch.

Mr. Ventura is a celebrity, which means that he is surrounded by a natural aura of ‘unrealness’.  Time slows down in his presence, jokes seem funnier, and random acts of insanity or violence seem to be anticipated and expected by those in his presence.  It will take witnesses at least a day or two to come down from the high that celebrities generate which will give you plenty of time to escape.

And that’s assuming they even see it happen.  Most people spend about 1/5th of their time in the presence of famous people actually looking at them, and the other 4/5ths looking around at all the other regular people giving wide-eyed looks of disbelief and disconnect, trying to point subtly in the direction of the celebrity while mouthing ‘look, it’s that one guy, Hulk something, or rummaging around in their purse or wallet for something suitable to coax the celeb into signing.  Those few who actually do see it happen will immediately, via their innate herd-mentality, look to others for clues and signals of how they should react.  This will lead them to pull out their wallets and search for their old military I.D. while pointing subtly, giving wide-eyed looks, and mouthing ‘hey, look’, which will allow you plenty of time to get away.

2.  Keep your thumb on the outside of the fingers so you don’t break it.

3.  If you’re an autograph hound, get it before the punch, not after.  If he’s not unconscious he will be a bit woozy and the autograph will look like you faked it anyway, plus he might call the police.  Also your old I.D. has your name on it which you don’t want him to know.

4.  Plan ahead.  Wear loose-fitting clothing so your swing won’t be restricted, and shoes with good ankle support.  Also, red or black shirts will obscure any blood splatters.

5.  Don’t be drunk or high as you may miss his face and end up putting your arm around his shoulder which may be interpreted as an invitation to dance.  If he does start dancing with you, avoid having him step on your feet (steel-toes may be a good idea) and try to disengage before he either body-slams you or puts you in a sleeper hold.

6.  If you’re going to have a friend film the punch for later sale to a tabloid, arrive early and get your lighting and sound set up right as this increases the resale value of the footage.

7.  Don’t be a celebrity yourself as Jesse may recognize you.

8.  Lastly, relax and remember to have fun!

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