I am not the guy who tried to pass off the hoax that he punched out Jesse Ventura a few months ago. That guy was obviously a faker trying to get in on the latest fad of punching out Jesse Ventura.

But if you’re one of the hundreds of people who actually have punched out Jesse Ventura, tell us your story! It doesn’t matter how absurd it sounds: I will still publish it for the world to see!

If anyone needs a punch-out story in the future for political purposes, they will have their choice of dozens of real stories instead of one phony story.

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  1. many garcia

     /  09/19/2013

    I punched Jesse Ventura when I was 15.
    I was in a mall, wasting time feeling miserable with my friends, looking all the vanity and consumerism of the unlearned people, when Jesse Ventura, dressed as a mariachi, went out of a mexican restaurant where he was playing the guitarrón in the band, and looking at me he said that my mom was so fat that the last time she farted, she destroyed a five city and the tons of ash and dust raised 30,000 feet and expanded through the whole atmosphere, blocking Sun’s light and heat and causing a global ice age. Naturally, I took offense, and after approaching in style and calmly removing my silky glove I summoned all my manliness to punch him right in the chin, where I left engraved a fleur-de-lis mark from my ring and that is proof of what I’m saying. Pushing himself up with his hands and recovering verticality he said “fair enough”, and left.

  2. Hey… are you only collecting Jesse Ventura punch out stories? Because I have a great ‘Other Things That Didn’t Happen Either’ story that you might appreciate.

    • Pass it along – If I believe it never happened I’ll publish it!

      • December 31st 2013.

        The bitcoin bubble was still all the rage with the World of Warcraft stoners. As per usual whenever new crypto currencies sweep the markets it leaves an opening for crypto currency criminal masterminds to make their move.

        Not one to let a great opportunity pass him by, a merry prankster in Wisconsin devised a devilishly delightful plan that would not only break the system but land him with thousands, perhaps millions of bitcoins which could keep him in Doritos and video games for the next decade at least.

        The crypto currency crowd, although not necessarily dumb, were just stoned enough to fall for it.

        He had convinced them that it was just a stress test of the system and they all believed him. He set up his dark wallet which for those who are not versed in bitcoin is like any other wallet except it is a darker shade of black than one can even imagine. He learned the lingo and worked his way into the crowd. He advertised his wallet number in all the right places.

        The days passed as he prepared for his eventual clearance of the bitcoin market the World of Warcraft players prepared their bitcoin wallets for the stress test by posting endless amounts of bitcoin threads all over unsuspecting websites.
        It all went down on 4:20 PM on December 31st 2013. It started with .01 coin at a time. It took a minute for the coins to start rolling in, but once it started it didn’t stop. Bitcoins everywhere. From one encrypted dark wallet to the next. It was a bitcoin fountain. Of course the system couldn’t handle it and its eventual crash occurred with a loud thud. However, it had lasted just long enough for the merry prankster in Wisconsin to cash out his small fortune.

        And in a collective sigh heard round the world as the bitcoiners lost all their hard mined coins to the criminal mastermind in Wisconsin the bitcoiners frantically began networking to see what kind bullshit fantasy based currency they could create so they had something to plaster all over unsuspecting forums.

        Meanwhile the mastermind behind all had just made enough money to finance his new bicycle, set up a free Chris Cudnoski get out of jail fund, and spend the next year or so searching for Onion videos to post on the same forums the bitcoiners once infiltrated.

        Oh yeah… God I hope that woman doesn’t speak in Italics all the time. That would just be annoying.

      • Ahem…. unwarranted? I don’t think that is a fair word.

      • Sometimes the malt liquor thinks it knows big words when it don’t none much.

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