Jen’s Non-Jesse Story (crash bitcoin)

The bitcoin bubble was still all the rage with the World of Warcraft stoners. As per usual whenever new crypto currencies sweep the markets it leaves an opening for crypto currency criminal masterminds to make their move.

Not one to let a great opportunity pass him by, a merry prankster in Wisconsin devised a devilishly delightful plan that would not only break the system but land him with thousands, perhaps millions of bitcoins. A plan that could keep him in Doritos and video games for the next decade at least.

The crypto currency crowd, although not necessarily dumb, were just stoned enough to fall for it.

He had convinced them that it was just a stress test of the system and they all believed him. He set up his dark wallet, which for those who are not versed in bitcoin is like any other wallet except it is a darker shade of black than one can even imagine. He learned the lingo and worked his way into the crowd. He advertised his wallet number in all the right places.

The days passed as he prepared for his eventual clearance of the bitcoin market the World of Warcraft players prepared their bitcoin wallets for the stress test by posting endless amounts of bitcoin threads all over unsuspecting websites.

It all went down on 4:20 PM on December 31st 2013. It started with .01 coin at a time. It took a minute for the coins to start rolling in, but once it started it didn’t stop. Bitcoins everywhere. From one encrypted dark wallet to the next. It was a bitcoin fountain. Of course the system couldn’t handle it and its eventual crash occurred with a loud thud. However, it had lasted just long enough for the merry prankster in Wisconsin to cash out his small fortune.

And in a collective sigh heard round the world as the bitcoiners lost all their hard mined coins to the criminal mastermind in Wisconsin the crowd frantically began networking to see what kind of new bullshit fantasy based currency they could create so they had something to plaster all over unsuspecting forums.

Meanwhile the mastermind behind all of this had just made enough money to finance his new bicycle, set up a free Chris Cudnoski get out of jail fund, and spend the next year or so searching for Onion videos to post on the same forums the bitcoiners once infiltrated.

Oh yeah… God I hope that woman doesn’t speak in Italics all the time. That would just be annoying.

by ‘Jen’ (not his real name)