FYI

I am not the guy who tried to pass off the hoax that he punched out Jesse Ventura a few months ago. That guy was obviously a faker trying to get in on the latest fad of punching out Jesse Ventura.

But if you’re one of the hundreds of people who actually have punched out Jesse Ventura, tell us your story! It doesn’t matter how absurd it sounds: I will still publish it for the world to see!

If anyone needs a punch-out story in the future for political purposes, they will have their choice of dozens of real stories instead of one phony story.

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The Day I Punched Out Jesse Ventura

I punched Jesse Ventura in the face and knocked him out cold.

How did it happen?

It was at a book signing for his book I Ain’t Got Time to Bleed.  I remember it well cause it was just one month and 4 days after my 23rd birthday.  The smell of springtime still lingered in the air.

I remember (vividly) that when it was my turn to have my book signed, I told Mr. Jesse Ventura my name and he looked at me and said “Cudnoski.  Why, that ain’t a pollock name, is it?”

I said yes, though others have commented that it was also a good Irish name.

He then cocked his head (or re-cocked it; it had already been cocked a bit at the start) and told me, blatantly, fervently, and apparently with some thought, that although he himself, Jesse Ventura, had served under the Lithuanian Grand Duke Jogaila (Władysław II Jagiełło), during the Jagiellon dynasty (1386–1572, he now felt that the soldiers he served with, though dead for over 600 years, deserved yet to die, those who were still alive!

I shuddered.  Then I swung.  I hit the old man (this being 2000 he was only 740 some years of age though considered aged by some) clean in the face, breaking both his nose and my hand in the process.

Realizing instantly that I had just committed a felony, I scurried, scampered and skipped out the door and into the street, then on to places untold.  I was fortunate that nobody else in the book store saw what had happened because they were all drunk.

I was also surprised that Jesse Ventura never pressed charges for assault against me.  Although he had just written my name in a copy of his book that I had left behind in the confusion, and my face was well known in the community for my involvement in the ‘End Meaningless Protests Now’ movement (the father of the Occupy Wall Street I have been called), I was lucky enough to escape the law for all this time.

The time for silence is over.

So is the statute of limitations.

Jesse Ventura, it was I, Chris Cudnoski, who punched you out in front of hundreds of witnesses and got away scot free, having heard nothing about the event though I have scoured every tabloid and searched every google engine for either my name, my face, or your face and my fist.  I am the one who should be famous right now, not you.  I demand to be famous!

Thanks.

Teresa Tells Her J.V. Punch-Out Story

 

“Hi Chris,

Thanks for the blog! Glad to know I’m not the only one!

My parents live in the Twin Cities and I live in Chicago, so every year one of us guilts the other into making the 7-hour drive to see the other for Christmas.  We don’t always alternate years so I don’t know for sure if it was 2004 or 2005 but I know it was one of those years as I remember clearly I was working at the State of Illinois Department of Redundancy Department Office and I couldn’t type for 2 weeks due to spraining my hand from ‘the punch’ and had to drive a forklift around for that time instead. (sorry for the boring history but I want to make sure I get my facts straight for you! 🙂 )

So what happened is I was most of the way their and was running late of course and was already just a little cranky when mom called my cell and told me to go directly to the restaurant they were dining at that evening instead of stopping to rest for five minutes at their place first.  Naturally I had no idea where the restaurant was and mom started trying to give me directions while I was driving, expecting me to use my GPS to find it or something.  I kind of lost my cool and asked her ‘why can’t we just eat at your place!?!’ and she said that if retirement meant that dad could lay around the house all day then she considered herself retired from cooking, at least during Christmas, and also the week before and after any other holiday for that matter, and what’s so hard about finding a restaurant for goodness sake?

tbc…

Playing Punch-Out at the Carnival – Audio Post

Got a story to tell but can’t type because your (key)-punching hand is broken?  No problem!  As long as you can still dial a phone you can share your JVPO story with the world!  Just dial 1 (713) 574-9075
and enter this code: 7189385

…and remain completely anonymous.  Only you and your 9 cats will know…

The Carnival Story:

Tips for Punching Out Jesse Ventura

Of course I don’t condone violence in any form.  But let’s face it – if you happen to run into Jesse Ventura there’s a good chance you’re going to want to hit him.  Naturally there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything.  The following tips fall under one of those two categories:

1.  Make sure there are at least 70-100 other people around when you do your punch.

Mr. Ventura is a celebrity, which means that he is surrounded by a natural aura of ‘unrealness’.  Time slows down in his presence, jokes seem funnier, and random acts of insanity or violence seem to be anticipated and expected by those in his presence.  It will take witnesses at least a day or two to come down from the high that celebrities generate which will give you plenty of time to escape.

And that’s assuming they even see it happen.  Most people spend about 1/5th of their time in the presence of famous people actually looking at them, and the other 4/5ths looking around at all the other regular people giving wide-eyed looks of disbelief and disconnect, trying to point subtly in the direction of the celebrity while mouthing ‘look, it’s that one guy, Hulk something, or rummaging around in their purse or wallet for something suitable to coax the celeb into signing.  Those few who actually do see it happen will immediately, via their innate herd-mentality, look to others for clues and signals of how they should react.  This will lead them to pull out their wallets and search for their old military I.D. while pointing subtly, giving wide-eyed looks, and mouthing ‘hey, look’, which will allow you plenty of time to get away.

2.  Keep your thumb on the outside of the fingers so you don’t break it.

3.  If you’re an autograph hound, get it before the punch, not after.  If he’s not unconscious he will be a bit woozy and the autograph will look like you faked it anyway, plus he might call the police.  Also your old I.D. has your name on it which you don’t want him to know.

4.  Plan ahead.  Wear loose-fitting clothing so your swing won’t be restricted, and shoes with good ankle support.  Also, red or black shirts will obscure any blood splatters.

5.  Don’t be drunk or high as you may miss his face and end up putting your arm around his shoulder which may be interpreted as an invitation to dance.  If he does start dancing with you, avoid having him step on your feet (steel-toes may be a good idea) and try to disengage before he either body-slams you or puts you in a sleeper hold.

6.  If you’re going to have a friend film the punch for later sale to a tabloid, arrive early and get your lighting and sound set up right as this increases the resale value of the footage.

7.  Don’t be a celebrity yourself as Jesse may recognize you.

8.  Lastly, relax and remember to have fun!

Have you ever been punched out by a politician, a wrestler, or both?

Post it here.

“Then he said that only little girls drink wheat beer…”

Terrance in Pennsylvania sent me this story to share:

(I’ll have it up soon.  Also apologies in advance Terry for grammar-policing your story but it’s my blog so phbttt)

I punched out Bill O’Reilly – World Exclusive – Would have mentioned it earlier honestly but I totally forgot about it until just now for real.

I’d start a separate blog on this topic but I don’t think there are that many other people who have leveled ol’ Riley due to the myth that he is tall.  He is not tall.  The guy is a shrimp.  I watch him all the time and I’ve heard celebrities talk about him and say things about how tall he is.  You are all liars and sellouts.  What is he paying you to reconfirm this myth?  I bet it isn’t even very much.

OK, to the story.  I was in Chicago on the way back from the Six Flags down there and wanted to go one one last thrill ride, so I went to the top of the Sears Tower.  Getting off the elevator my eyes were drawn up and out to the skyline, and I walk right into this guy what his head don’t come up but to my sternum.

On account of the ‘Chi-Guy’ hat I had just purchased he must of took me for a native.  He starts saying how all Chicago-anians are the same, all communists and leftists supporting al-qeada and the Khmer Rouge, and how he hoped the Bears crashed their team airplane into the oldest part of Lambeau Field.

I punched the little guy out at this point, partly because I’m a Wisconsin-etian, and also of course to protect him fr om himself and others lest he say something outlandish or offensive and make somebody mad.  Right in the middle of his big square forehead.

I took in the view for a minute or so but it was kind of hazy, and that makes the vertigo worse somehow, and I had just punched out a major television personality in front of dozens of people, so I thought I’d split.  I rappelled down the stairs and was gone.

 

 

Another Jesse Ventura Punching – This One’s in the News!

Guys, this is awesome!  Word about this blog is spreading fast, and someone who knows someone who knows someone I know sent me a link to a video of SOME DUDE WHO PUNCHED OUT JESSE VENTURA.

So now it’s going mainstream!  Too excited right now to figure out how to post the video but if one of you will in your comments that would be awesome!

(Update)

Now I’m finding multiple videos of this guy.  He’s everywhere!  More to come, it’s really late here.

Steve’s ‘I punched out Jesse Ventura’ story

So I was telling someone at the bar about the time I punched out Jesse Ventura, and this dude named Loddy, whom I will refer to as Steve, from here on to protect his identity, and because I don’t want to keep typing the name Loddy, told me that he too had punched Jesse Ventura out once.

He told me this story:

‘Yeah, so I was at the in North Dakota DMV getting my driver’s license renewed, and I seen this big tall old guy at one of the windows arguing with the lady behind the glass.  I gave up my place in line to move closer to him, since he seemed to be getting loud and boisterous.  Also, I believe either he or I may have been drunk.

“Out of his garbling I heard some words about how he people who worked at the DMV didn’t know what it was like to stand in line at the DMV since they work there and are always the next available customer if they need something, and probably get a sweet employee discount even on custom vanity license  plates.  Then I heard something about the DMV deserving to lose a few of its own on our nation’s decrepit highways, and I snapped.

“I took a moment of silence, and gave Jesse Ventura a moment of face punching.

”The blow sent him reeling back into the glass partition which separates the masses from the coveted plastic stickers and the begrudging DMV employees who dole them out.  His head cocked forward, cocked differently from how it had been cocked just prior to the punch though still very cocked.  Then his whole body cocked forward and he hit the floor bam boom splat.

“Since everyone in line who wasn’t there to take their drunk-driving test had their nose in a copy of Car and Driver magazine, and Sarah, or something, who recognized me from high school was now temporarily blind from getting her DMV picture taken (I nicknamed her ‘DMV Chick.  She thought that was funny kinda.  Chicks love funny clever nicknames like that), I took my chance to run out the door to my car and then to the nearest phone booth to see if there was another DMV in North Dakota and if they had the plate PAK4EVR available.”