The Day I Punched Out Jesse Ventura

I punched Jesse Ventura in the face and knocked him out cold.

How did it happen?

It was at a book signing for his book I Ain’t Got Time to Bleed.  I remember it well cause it was just one month and 4 days after my 23rd birthday.  The smell of springtime still lingered in the air.

I remember (vividly) that when it was my turn to have my book signed, I told Mr. Jesse Ventura my name and he looked at me and said “Cudnoski.  Why, that ain’t a pollock name, is it?”

I said yes, though others have commented that it was also a good Irish name.

He then cocked his head (or re-cocked it; it had already been cocked a bit at the start) and told me, blatantly, fervently, and apparently with some thought, that although he himself, Jesse Ventura, had served under the Lithuanian Grand Duke Jogaila (Władysław II Jagiełło), during the Jagiellon dynasty (1386–1572, he now felt that the soldiers he served with, though dead for over 600 years, deserved yet to die, those who were still alive!

I shuddered.  Then I swung.  I hit the old man (this being 2000 he was only 740 some years of age though considered aged by some) clean in the face, breaking both his nose and my hand in the process.

Realizing instantly that I had just committed a felony, I scurried, scampered and skipped out the door and into the street, then on to places untold.  I was fortunate that nobody else in the book store saw what had happened because they were all drunk.

I was also surprised that Jesse Ventura never pressed charges for assault against me.  Although he had just written my name in a copy of his book that I had left behind in the confusion, and my face was well known in the community for my involvement in the ‘End Meaningless Protests Now’ movement (the father of the Occupy Wall Street I have been called), I was lucky enough to escape the law for all this time.

The time for silence is over.

So is the statute of limitations.

Jesse Ventura, it was I, Chris Cudnoski, who punched you out in front of hundreds of witnesses and got away scot free, having heard nothing about the event though I have scoured every tabloid and searched every google engine for either my name, my face, or your face and my fist.  I am the one who should be famous right now, not you.  I demand to be famous!

Thanks.

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