Cites Rise in so-called ‘fiber-crime’ among reason for the switch

The small but influential nation of Sudenia announced today that it was taking the lead in switching its monetary system over to a western-style ‘cash and currency’ based system, abandoning traditional accounting methods such as tying knots in string.

“The knots in strings system served the people of Sudenia for thousands of years” said Mtumbo Djabouti, Minister of Finance and Knot-Tying.  “however, with an ever-faster moving economy, and the alarming fiber-crime epidemic, switching to some new method has become imperative.”

Sudenians at every strata of the society applauded the decision while admitting that the old method will be missed.

“It is really easy to run up to someone and grab their ball of knotted string.  You can even use a rake from a distance.  Trading goods for shells or brightly colored rocks is much safer.  A bag of clam shells is much heavier than a ball of twine, and makes a lot of noise when a thief tries to run away with it, which aids in their capture”.

Added the owner of a small restaurant “This will also help reduce the corruption that is rampant at the higher levels of finance.  The string knot tiers make their money when they tie the knots, and they make money again when they untie the knots.  They don’t want to see the old system end but I say to them ‘go to the see and gather shells.  See what it is like to work for your keep like the masses you’ve kept down for so long with your knots in string’ “.

Representatives from the Large Stone Engraved With Family Histories and Placed in Front of Hut industry declined to comment.

Following a wave of social unrest across Europe as well as an Arab Spring, Americans have finally caught ‘protest fever’.  They come from every walk of life but have so much in common – they’re young, they’re loud, and some of them know why they’re angry.

“I got a tweet from my friend Jason who said he was coming downtown to do so sort of protest march thing, and wanted to know if I’d be there.  I said it sounded like the kind of thing chicks would go to so totally I’m down.”

When asked about her sign reading ‘End the Fed – Bounce Bernanke” a young lady told us she wasn’t sure what it meant, she was holding it for her friend who was in the porta-john.  “She hasn’t worked in like 3 months, and our friend Chad is pretty pissed about the Ozone Laye.  As for me, I guess I’m protesting that we had to park our bikes like six blocks away because of this march.  I should find some cardboard and make a sign”

Addressing the world community for only the 3rd time since rising to power upon the death of his father Kim Jong-Il, Kim Jong-Un reached out to longtime enemy the United States in a rare move towards reconciliation.

“I was educated in some of the finest schools in Europe.  I was able to learn much about how the United States government oppresses its people thanks to the love and guidance of Kim Il-Sun.  Clearly all of your spies were sent to learn the ways of junnun and they learned well.  It is natural that the student sometimes becomes the teacher, and I am pleased to say that we have much to learn from our student the U.S.

Study: Global Warming Increased have been Linked to CO2 Emissions From Environmentalists Who Blather on and on About Climate Change

An alarming new study shows that climate change may be accelerating faster than previously feared– and the damage may be caused by those who are the most aware of the phenomenon and desperate to scare as many others into fearing it too as possible.

The researchers involved in the study set out to create an exhaustive list of the potential sources of greenhouse gases. Alarmingly, air quality samples taken in and around the climate science departments of numerous universities showed that CO2 levels were slightly to moderately higher than surrounding communities. And emissions were highest around the researchers themselves.

The following chart shows that breathing by climate change researchers leads oil and natural gas in CO2 emissions

“We were expecting a 10-15% decrease in the amount of CO2 in the air in certain places where people were making smart choices for the planet. However, all the gains from using ultra-dim lightbulbs and toilets that only flush on every third try were offset by CO2 increases caused by the researchers themselves. Whether in a crowded elevator, on a bus or in the carpool lane, talking on and on about anything, especially global warming, releases excess carbon dioxide that ends up warming the atmosphere.”

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Other somewhat ironic sources of CO2 include applying ‘Go Green’ bumper stickers made in Chinese factories with no emissions standards to the bumpers of their Priuses, and turning on TVs or computers for the purpose of showing Al Gore’s film ‘Inconvenient Truth’, which draws large amounts of power from coal power plants.

A rare upside in the findings was the discovery that while Al Gore himself expelled huge amounts of CO2 narrating the film, the hot air he created has long since dissipated and has long since caused whatever harm it was going to.  Mr. Gore’s current CO2 emissions are now nearly equal to those of the average citizen as he is no longer being invited to speak anywhere, so neither his lungs nor his private jet fleet are excessively polluting the air the rest of us have to breathe.